How to manage your minions

The below is a satirical piece written by a budding young  marketer and app developer John. John was once upon a time an intern and has been kind enough to provide his experience to all up and coming fashion designers on the utilisation of interns.

I see internships and work experience as a process of natural selection. These people are the future of our industry, we need to weed out the weak ones as well as take the opportunity to look down on those who may become future heavyweights.

You have to start somewhere and young people who are looking to build a career in fashion or advertising always need to seriously consider internships or work experience. These kids are our greatest source of labour and it’s almost always free! It should be utilised to the fullest! However, you must always be mindful to operate within your legal and moral boundaries.

Here are 10 simple rules to get the most out of your minions:

1)   Never under any circumstances refer to them by name. Work experience should always be addressed as “intern” or “minion”.

2)   Whenever sending a minion out on errands always provide complicated directions and an unrealistic time frame.

3)   If a minion is attractive you can try to sleep with them – in this case you can make an exception to rule 1.

4)   Never completely break the spirit of a minion; they should always have a glimmer of hope to maintain motivation levels. Besides, it’s costly and time consuming dealing with Work Cover.

5)   Whenever a minion fails or makes a significant mistake you should always document it and remind them of it regularly to keep them in line. Sometimes if a minion is particularly competent it can be prudent to set a few of these failures up to keep in the bank.

6)   Always invite minions to prestigious industry events but never provide them with tickets or put their name on the guest list. It’s also a good idea to have them turn up after or as the event finishes.

7)   If you haven’t tried in the last week and they’re attractive or your drunk you can try and sleep with them. Again.

8)   If you have two or more minions always favour one over the others. This will incite jealousy and dissention among the ranks.

9)   If you have three or more minions do not group them together. They should work in groups no larger than twos. This will stave off rebellion and limit peer support.

10) And remember; a confident minion is corrupt; a melancholy minion is marvellous; and a defeated minion is useless.

Work experience or interns generally have a shelf life of around 1-3 months. If you stick to these 10 rules you can get the most out of them in the shortest amount of time.



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